Friday, April 4, 2014

"On Wanting Versus Having" or "A Semi-Serious Thing About Life, and This Time No One Had to Die For Me to Write It!"

"I wish I had your life!"

It was such an odd thing to hear her say. We have been friends for years, she's bold, funny, beautiful. I'm a little bit in love with her, in that way that I'm a little bit in love with a lot of interesting, crazy people. Never once have I been bored spending time with her, so perhaps I shouldn't have been surprised when, for the hundredth time, she'd said something to me that made me pause and consider things.

But still, why would she want to be me? Maybe it was because she's been going through a rough spot for a couple months; maybe it was just all the scotch we were sipping (I was sipping. She was still trying to figure out how to properly drink scotch.). But for whatever reason, she was envious of me and my continued existence. That didn't make sense- she was beautiful and glamorous and dangerous. I'm a loner who writes on the internet. For free. 

Not to get all "Everything I Need to Know I Learned From Star Trek" on everybody, but this much is true: Having is not as pleasing as wanting.  Once you have something, anything, it becomes less desirable.  Its just human nature, and there's no point fighting that.

Truly, the pinnacle of human wisdom and knowledge.

On top of that, how we perceive ourselves is never how others perceive us. Never mind that most people have no idea what they actually look like (because we, as a species, are terrible narcissists) (Yay narcissism!), if someone asked you who do you think you are, and then asked someone else who they thought you were, do you really think the answers would be the same?  Everyone has their own personal demons.  Everyone has their inner self-doubts that they never want the world to know about. And that fundamentally changes how they view themselves compared to others.

And that's not to say we can't be too hard on ourselves!  You're inner self-doubt is probably your own worst enemy, and you're probably way harder on yourself than anyone else.  Unless that's just me.  Maybe I'm just crazy, and no one else keeps their creative forces down and suppressed by doubt and questionable self-worth.  How the hell would I know how you feel?  I'm a monster and I know it.

How you categorize yourself- loner, joiner, Star Trek nerd, Newt Gingrich- like pretty much everything else in life, is probably total bullshit.  We're all lying to ourselves about stuff, and we forget that everyone else is just a person, like us, who is probably just as clueless and vulnerable.  We see friends, or parents, or famous people, as some how different, even alien to ourselves.  And it's all totally silly, because everyone is the same, deep down, except for people who think Indiana Jones 4 was a good film (those people ARE monsters).  (*cough*momanddad*coughcough*)

I want tons of stuff!  I want a new apartment, to be a supervillain, to be rich and famous, I could use a sandwich right now.  But none of those things would actually make me more content than I am now.  Not in the long term.  Everyone thinks they want someone else's life, but that's only because we think it's really different from ours.  But it probably isn't.

Everyone has to find their own way, and just wanting something won't accomplish jack.  Set goals, try to achieve them, and if you mess up, that's okay.  We're all fuck ups.  It's human to fuck it up.  Just try not to hurt people, and when you fuck up, make amends.  You want a meaning to life?  There's one right there.

Maybe my life looked better to her than her own, and maybe we were just drinking scotch and shooting the shit.  Hell if I know.  I'm just some asshole talking about bullshit online.

(Just like everyone else.)

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