Humbug!: The Muppet Christmas Carol
I don't know about any of you, but I, for one, am sick of Christmas. So to share my annoyance, all this month I'll be complaining about some of America's favorite Christmas movies. Should be funny? We'll find out! I'll start the month out by making fun of movies I actually like, and work my way to the crap that I really loathe.
Today's entry: The Muppet Christmas Carol!
Okay, straight up, pretty much everything that I'm gonna say here I could say about any other version of A Christmas Carol. But here's the thing: Do any of the other versions of the story star the Muppets? I submit that they do not. So there. Muppet Christmas Carol it is. Eat it, Scrooged!
Now, don't get me wrong, "ghost Christmas story" is a rad concept. I'm not berating that. But lets be real about the central plot of this thing, okay? Ebenezer Scrooge, a notorious miser and strong believer in laissez-faire capitalism, has a nightmare on the night before Christmas. It's such a vivid nightmare that cruel, slum-owning Scrooge decides to give up being a miser and spread his wealth with his family and co-workers, for the first time in his miserable existence. Just one bad dream, and he completely changes as a person.
Guys, that is preposterous.
Why would a man like Scrooge turn so easily? Because he's feeling guilty about his past, because he hasn't lived the life he pictured he'd have as a young man? Dude, that's called "real life". You grew up, and things changed. You ended up this way for a reason, a series of events made you into who you are. And I'm not trying to say that there's anything wrong with personal renewal and change. But a man like Scrooge? Really? His defining characteristic is that he's a miserable bastard to be around, and he seems perfectly content with that. They literally sing a song about how he is just the biggest asshole the world has ever seen, and he seems to genuinely enjoy being a jerk to everyone.
And he has this big personal revelation because of fucking ghosts? Ghosts he himself calls out as probably being bullshit! Bits of cheese indeed, good sir. I'm not saying ghosts are invalid as antagonists in a movie, but maybe you should encounter them more than once? Isn't it just as likely something weird was slipped into your absinthe or something? Because the simpler explanation is not ghosts, dude. Trust me on that.
Also: why is Scrooge suddenly so worried about dying alone and hated? Dude, that is straight up how you've lived your life, you can't honestly be that surprised at the notion. He knows he's hated, but he just doesn't care. But of course, because he turns to the light side through the power of the Christmas Spirit (blegh), we're told at the end that he didn't die, until he did, but at least now when he died he had friends. Oy.
Speaking of characters and their untimely non-demise, exactly why is it that after Scrooge comes to Jesus, Tiny Tim doesn't die any more? I mean, I understand the idea of rich people throwing money at a problem and it magically going away, sure. But lets not kid ourselves, this is still a world before antibiotics. What's Tiny Tim's got, T.B. or something? He coughs a lot, so I'm going with T.B. Yeah, no real reliable way to treat that stuff in the mid-Victorian era. So that nonsense with living happily ever after? Yep, no. He dies.
Okay, alright, again, I actually really like this movie, but I'm on a mission, damnit. And it doesn't take much effort to poke holes in this film's premise. Plus, no Santa Claus or Batman in it. If you're going to do a Christmas story, I feel it's inclined to include at least one of those cherished Christmas figures. And don't give me any of that "The Ghost of Christmas Present is like Father Christmas, who is like Santa Claus" nonsense, because THAT is a facile argument, good sir or ma'am. I do not accept it.
So yeah, whatever. Next time the Muppets pick a Christmas story to retell, it should have Santa Claus in it. Seriously.
Next time! I take a cherished Christmas classic (to me, anyway), and I rip it a new one! I call Humbug! on Batman Returns!
Today's entry: The Muppet Christmas Carol!
Okay, straight up, pretty much everything that I'm gonna say here I could say about any other version of A Christmas Carol. But here's the thing: Do any of the other versions of the story star the Muppets? I submit that they do not. So there. Muppet Christmas Carol it is. Eat it, Scrooged!
Now, don't get me wrong, "ghost Christmas story" is a rad concept. I'm not berating that. But lets be real about the central plot of this thing, okay? Ebenezer Scrooge, a notorious miser and strong believer in laissez-faire capitalism, has a nightmare on the night before Christmas. It's such a vivid nightmare that cruel, slum-owning Scrooge decides to give up being a miser and spread his wealth with his family and co-workers, for the first time in his miserable existence. Just one bad dream, and he completely changes as a person.
Guys, that is preposterous.
Why would a man like Scrooge turn so easily? Because he's feeling guilty about his past, because he hasn't lived the life he pictured he'd have as a young man? Dude, that's called "real life". You grew up, and things changed. You ended up this way for a reason, a series of events made you into who you are. And I'm not trying to say that there's anything wrong with personal renewal and change. But a man like Scrooge? Really? His defining characteristic is that he's a miserable bastard to be around, and he seems perfectly content with that. They literally sing a song about how he is just the biggest asshole the world has ever seen, and he seems to genuinely enjoy being a jerk to everyone.
And he has this big personal revelation because of fucking ghosts? Ghosts he himself calls out as probably being bullshit! Bits of cheese indeed, good sir. I'm not saying ghosts are invalid as antagonists in a movie, but maybe you should encounter them more than once? Isn't it just as likely something weird was slipped into your absinthe or something? Because the simpler explanation is not ghosts, dude. Trust me on that.
Also: why is Scrooge suddenly so worried about dying alone and hated? Dude, that is straight up how you've lived your life, you can't honestly be that surprised at the notion. He knows he's hated, but he just doesn't care. But of course, because he turns to the light side through the power of the Christmas Spirit (blegh), we're told at the end that he didn't die, until he did, but at least now when he died he had friends. Oy.
Speaking of characters and their untimely non-demise, exactly why is it that after Scrooge comes to Jesus, Tiny Tim doesn't die any more? I mean, I understand the idea of rich people throwing money at a problem and it magically going away, sure. But lets not kid ourselves, this is still a world before antibiotics. What's Tiny Tim's got, T.B. or something? He coughs a lot, so I'm going with T.B. Yeah, no real reliable way to treat that stuff in the mid-Victorian era. So that nonsense with living happily ever after? Yep, no. He dies.
Okay, alright, again, I actually really like this movie, but I'm on a mission, damnit. And it doesn't take much effort to poke holes in this film's premise. Plus, no Santa Claus or Batman in it. If you're going to do a Christmas story, I feel it's inclined to include at least one of those cherished Christmas figures. And don't give me any of that "The Ghost of Christmas Present is like Father Christmas, who is like Santa Claus" nonsense, because THAT is a facile argument, good sir or ma'am. I do not accept it.
So yeah, whatever. Next time the Muppets pick a Christmas story to retell, it should have Santa Claus in it. Seriously.
Next time! I take a cherished Christmas classic (to me, anyway), and I rip it a new one! I call Humbug! on Batman Returns!
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